Friday, June 4, 2010

The Abridged, Reworded Story of Jesus

I have definitely tried very hard over the past few years to research religion and know what I was talking about before being able to call myself an atheist with a straight face. However, I would hope that, as an atheist, I don't know The Bible as well as some of you Christians out there, so I appreciate any corrections you guys can make.

Without further ado, here are things that never made sense to me about the story of Jesus Christ:

  1. God is Jesus, and Jesus is God. God is omnipotent and cannot die. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice of death by crucifixion to absolve humanity of its sins. If someone is all-powerful and eternal, can “dying” be considered a sacrifice? It seems very hollow, especially when Jesus knew that he wasn't truly dying, but rather being inconvenienced for a few nights.
  2. God is omniscient. God’s plan with Jesus was to use him as a tool to absolve humanity of its sins through an eventual death by crucifixion. Judas played an integral role in God’s plan by indicating Jesus to the Romans who sought to capture him. This was considered a betrayal, and Christians revile Judas. However, God of course knew that Judas was going to do this, and Judas’ actions were, in fact, integral to God’s plan succeeding. In other words, without Judas doing what God knew he would do, God’s desires would not have been met, and humanity would still be with sin and would be without a martyred savior. How, then, is Judas not considered a Christian hero?
  3. Nowhere in The Bible does it explain why the sacrifice is truly necessary. God (pictured at right, in Morgan Freeman form) is omnipotent, benevolent, merciful, and omniscient. If He cared for His creations and was truly omnipotent, why not simply absolve us of our sins? Why go through all of the pointless pageantry of Jesus’ life?

Here’s a step-by-step, abridged rewording of the story of Jesus’ sacrifice:
  1. An all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, un-killable God exists.
  2. God -- who, again, is all-loving -- has been purposefully sending many of His creations to live in eternal torment.
  3. God decided that He wasn’t entirely OK with sending so many of His creations to live in eternal torment.
  4. This being the case, God sent another version of Himself -- Jesus, His only son -- as a sacrifice, knowing that Jesus would eventually be killed. On a related note, Jesus can’t technically be killed, because he’s God, and God can’t die.
  5. Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice by giving up a little bit of something that he had an infinite amount of -- his life. (As with any good sacrifice, the ultimate ones are the ones that you don’t have to sacrifice anything to make.)
  6. After His only son successfully completed the suicide mission he'd been sent on, God had successfully saved us from Himself. The all-powerful God never again had to unwillingly send His creation to a place He didn’t really want to send them (because He’s all-loving). And so He never did again -- unless you count the times that He still does, and those times make Him really sad.
  7. ?????
  8. Profit.

Also, Venn diagrams are always funny.

Here's some recommended reading for those of you with skeptical, inquisitive minds:

And, of course, I personally think The Bible presents the best case against itself if read with an unbiased, critical eye, cover to cover. That isn't meant as a low blow, I truly mean that.

-- The Atheist Apologist --

(Inspiration for this post, in part, came from a hilarious list of 25 Retarded Bible Verses. Most of the images were found at lolBlog.)


  1. This is hilarious. And coming from a former Christian raised in a Christian home her entire life and who went to Christian schools, I see no factual errors. What's more, you've identified many of the things that a lot of Christians struggle with whether or not they will admit it.

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